woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
