I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
