checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
