There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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