would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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