His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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