were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
