Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
