I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
