I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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