When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
