Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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