dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
