can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize