the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
