Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize