I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
