Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
