Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
