I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
