Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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