Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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