using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
