i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
