My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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