you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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