i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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