I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
