I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
