hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
