I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
