You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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