I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
