Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
