Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
