Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
