I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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