Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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