Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
