You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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