I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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