You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
where are my eyebrows?
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