the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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