I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize