Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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