Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Who died my cat blue again?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
