I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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