i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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