i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
