Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize