sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
