Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
