If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
