he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
