end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think my fart just growled at me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
