I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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