i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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