I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
