Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
