The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
